I’m a modern woman, so I navigate my relationships with an almost singular goal in mind: Don’t be crazy.

When he calls, answer. And don’t be crazy. When he doesn’t call, don’t sweat it.  Don’t be crazy. If he hangs out with you, play cool. Don’t be crazy.  If he declines the invite, that’s fine.  He’s got his life.  Don’t be crazy.  If he tells you you’re special, that’s great.  Appreciate it.  Don’t be crazy. If you’re not sure, remember you’re independent.  Don’t get crazy.  Don’t be too eager.  Don’t be too distant.  Don’t punish him with your feelings.  Figure that shit out.  You’re not crazy; don’t be crazy.

I’m super cool, and I’m definitely not crazy.  I’m educated, ambitious, self-made, and capable. I’m not crazy because look at me, I’m not.  Look how calm and together I am.  Don’t be afraid of me. I’m not a crazy girl!  LOOK HOW NOT CRAZY I AM.  I am killing it at this not crazy thing.  I should teach a seminar on it.  I should write a blog about it.

My feelings are my own responsibility.  Feelings like happiness, contentment, appreciation, understanding: embrace them, share them!  Everyone deserves to know how fucking great they are and how wonderful they make your life.  Being appreciative is good and makes people feel good.  Make people feel good, because you’re not crazy.  Being with you means feeling good.  A good, not crazy feeling.  Soak it up, all that good everyone!  I got so much good to give you. Thank you, thank you so much for giving me all this good to give you.

Wait—did I feel something different?  Did I sense something inside that feels like… No, never mind.  Don’t worry.  Still not crazy; still all good.  We’re all good and everyone is definitely feeling good.  Are you good?  Then I’m good.  Of course I am!  I wouldn’t want to make something out of nothing and blame it on you.  That’s what crazy girls do.  And remember?  I’m not crazy.

It’s so awesome being so un-crazy.  Everyone likes me.  I like being liked.  How else can I help you like me?  Let’s do all the things you want to do.  Let’s talk about all the things that matter to you.  Let’s ignore those weird crazy feelings I had that time.  I hate making things difficult for you.  It’s unfair of me to have those feelings and burden you with them.  You’re right.  I’ve got my stuff to work on, and that’s for me.  

Things were hard sometimes and I got through it on my own.  Keep doing that.  If my relationships make me feel some hard feelings again, that’s my problem.  Don’t ask for help. I’m accountable for me, and I’m not crazy so I know to keep it to myself and keep appreciating everything I get.  I’m so lucky.

The less you ask of others, the better.  People like that.  Manage those crazy expectations.  Keep those crazy emotional reactions in check.  Expect less; it feels good that way.  Stay pleasant, stay small.  Don’t be crazy!

When I told you that you hurt me and I needed more; when I told you I was sad and dying inside; when I said I wanted affection you refused to give it to me; when I cried in front of you and begged for you to try; when I gave year after year after year hoping I meant enough for you to do the things I wanted to do.  To talk about the things that mattered to me.  To acknowledge my feelings and make things easier for me.  To appreciate me.  I just wanted you to know I learned my lesson and you were right.  No one will love me as much as you.  I needed help.  It was unfair to ask you for what I needed.  I was unreasonable.  I’m so grateful for you now because I realize how crazy I was.  I’m so liberated now that I learned to expect nothing from no one, and less than nothing from you.

And an exciting bulletin for all current and future relationships!  I will internally agonize over every text, request, rejection, compliment, invite, lengthy silence, display of affection, withholding of attention, slight, fulfilled promise, broken promise, apology, plan made or unmade, desire, and hope with my full investment in not being crazy.  I’ll fully fear every feeling always so you never have to feel anything but righteous and adored.  I’m a modern woman and I’d hate nothing more than to force you to confront my needs if they were to shine a whisper of light on your inadequacies.  That’s what crazy does, and that’s not me.  

Guest post written by Anonymous