I was sitting on a bench over in the weights area doing biceps curls when I heard a man say, “so this guy proposed on camera at a game and his girlfriend said no. Later, she explained to him it was because his dick was too small!” I sensed my next voyeuristic “Overheard” post was taking shape at the squats rack adjacent to me, and subtly moved closer, to hear better. “It’s this documentary called Unhung Hero and it’s about this guy’s search to find out if size really does matter,” he continued, his buddies (and I) hanging on his every word. I studied them in the mirror that covers the entire back wall of the building, three men in their late twenties, all white, all of average height, barrel chested, pecs and biceps defined. “So, like, what did he do?” one of them asked. “She dumped him and he went around the world to check out the myths, to find out if the stereotypes are true, and what men do to get bigger.” Earlier that morning, I had been lamenting to myself that it had been ages since I’d overheard anything worth blogging about, and realizing I was going to have to try harder (read: be creepier) if I wanted to keep the “Overheard” series alive on Candid Uprising. Jackpot. Three jocks talking dick size at the gym. I couldn’t have asked for a more compelling conversation, and in such timely fashion!

I did leg-lifts, which allowed me to step to the side of the bench and closer to where they stood chatting, propped against the rack, one hanging his arms from a high bar. “Dude went to Korea,” the narrator, in a slouchy navy blue knit beanie and grey sweats went on, “and they totally had the smallest dicks of anyone he met.” His buddies nodded intently, clearly affirming their own stereotypes about Asian dudes. “They were all into all those gimmicks for increasing size and shit. But the craziest was in Rwanda, man. They were using these large gauge needles to increase their size.” He went on to describe the penis-size-increasing works in exquisite detail, at which point I tuned into the men’s body language. I smirked to myself as they responded to the images of massive needles inserted into urethra by shifting from foot to foot, tugging their tee shirts down over their groins, an area so delicate it must be protected even from words.

Suddenly I was caught, as one of them wearing a red shirt with a Gatorade logo locked eyes with me in the mirror. I looked away, like the revolting creeper I am. I looked back to see him watching me in the mirror, walking over to grab some free weights. I considered telling him his conversation was the best I’d overheard all day, but decided to let it go when it was clear he wasn’t going to say anything. I continued my shameless listening, cooling the mirror gazing.

“Motherfuckers be putting their shit into water bottles and shit man, hoping the pressure will make them bigger,” the third, and largest man in the group laughingly said. “We’ll try anything, but like does any of that shit really even work?” he asked. “Nah”, said the narrator, “all it does is increase blood flow, all all those methods have disclaimers that they don’t create lasting results.” All three looked down. I wanted so much to go over and ask them if they were comfortable with their sizes, and whether they had ever tried any male enhancement products, to turn it into an interview of sorts. I checked my impulse. “Anyway, after all that, he found himself a new girlfriend, and she was way hotter than the one that broke up with him, so he’s doing alright.” The conversation turned to watching documentaries on Netflix, and I tuned out.

Today I entered the inner sanctum of the root cause, arguably, of men’s deepest fears and insecurities: penis size. It was fabulous to hear men openly discussing what I understand to be such a sensitive subject, without swagger. I sensed none wanted the subject of his own size broached, and so the conversation was topical, at best. It was a privilege to be an (uninvited) party to a man’s review of Unhung Hero, and you know my feelings on the subject of size. And thank goodness the protagonist was able to find an even hotter woman! I was worried about that. And also, I have to admit, it’s not often women catch men obsessing over size, a treat since our size insecurities are displayed everywhere, as though we think of nothing else.

I become lost imagining a society where all media that caters to the ideal female body type becomes about the ideal penis size…